Back in the day, shit must ‘a’ been off the chain. (edit: rad, gnarly, tubular) We’ve all heard the stories, maybe, if you’ve been lucky enough to know someone that rattles on and on about how good the “good ole days” were. I really want to know how good they were. I mean, some things I believe, but certain things I feel have been created through such a phenomenon as “False Memory Syndrome.” And do not even get started on how many things have to be turned into a syndrome for people to feel better about themselves; that it is a more tangible problem because a name for it exists or a doctor needs to feel accomplished in their work by appointing a name to common sense. And yes, everyone reacts differently to things, most of the time they’re called pussies. Unless we’re talking about the military, PTSD is serious shit and anybody that saw the shit they saw and did what they did, fuck that. Thank you to everyone that served our country so stupidity can continue to reign. That’s fucked up. I don’t mean to belittle your actions, but, well, however much I love this country, it’s doomed. There is too much stupidity running rampant, and any idiot is allowed an opinion. Shit, they even gave me one! They should be like reproductive organs, hair follicles, and brains; removable without any serious ramifications to the "host" in any way. Congratulations to IBM for having the most patents in 2009, at 4914. Back off track. Wait I was just there. Back on track. God damnit Michelle Borth, you are too attractive for me to not pay attention to you.
Back to the, uh, point of this maunderance. Was there one? Hold on while I refocus…
Right, so, a good writer always introduces the topic using a definition of sorts so as to show what they are going to prove or disprove. I don’t know if that’s true or if I’m trying to prove anything but it sounded smart at the time… Time the fuck out! You know those stupid sensationalistic commercials for the nightly new? I just saw one that said “Something to consider before heading to your next spin class. Too much junk in the trunk may not be a bad thing after all.” And the words across the bottom read “Too much fat is good?” Across the screen danced the same video of swiss cheese arses in spandex And a whole bunch of front butts that was on the news 2 weeks ago for the problem with obesity we have in this country. Next week smoking is going to be good for you And I’m going to pick start smoking 5 packs a day because if its good A lot must be great! Fuck moderation, it’s for pussies.
So in order to prove my point, I’ve decided to head to the most credible source I could think of, Urban Dictionary.
back in the day
A time in one's life looked back upon with great fondness. Usually invokes a memory of a particularly memorable or traumatic incident.
A Wednesday a long time ago.
Obviously the second definition is more pertanic to my topic at hand than that stupid first one that sounds like it came from Wikipedia. That needs some cleaning up; they should probably cite that bitch up because it makes absolutely zero no sense for suretainly.
So I’m sick and tired about hearing about the good old days. Fuck them. I don’t like them. I want peoples fake memories of the “good old days” to be the nowadays. Which really brings me to my real point of this whole post.
Fuck the police.
I said it. I’m not saying there isn’t a need for police, in cities, where there is actual crime, or where I am not. Police mostly just generate revenue; as police increase, so does crime. How else are they going to pay for their salaries and shiny new Dodge Chargers? Why the fuck do they need a souped up Dodge Charger to catch a speeding Prius? 0-60 in 9.8 seconds. Don’t worry, your V-8 makes up for your small penis. What’s that, you don’t have one so you have to drive a white trash car and pick on poor people and teenagers. Oh, yea, and me. The amount of times I’ve been pulled over vs. the amount of times I’ve actually done anything illegal in my car is infinite. Undefined because it’s something about zero and divisionation? One or the other, both sound well to me. ha ha
Wait a minute. The good old days. Is that what I started this out about? So as any “old timer” will tell you, back in the good old days, everything was amazing. I can’t wait until I forget all the terrible things that happened and I make up cool things to tell my children and grandchildren. (Will I have either of those, who knows…? Similarly, just the thought of that is hilarious to me, and i hope you feel the same way, or you could have false memory of me syndrome.) I’m going to tell them all about how I invented the Internet and the cell phone. I’ll have crazy stories for them about how I made it through the first 17 years of my life without a cell phone, how I used a typewriter until around 1995ish, and how, with the way its going, I drove my own car, which ran on gas, and I used a clutch as well. Wow! Which brings me to my next point, what the fuck is happening to manual transmissions in general? Stupid greedy car companies decided one day, “Let’s prey on people’s stupidity, laziness, and wallets and charge them 1,000s of dollars for something they don’t need, but show them they do need it! Would you look at this, you can eat breakfast, read a book, drink coffee, and talk on your phone, all while driving.” Holy shit, where can I sign up? Wait… I can eat, drink, and talk on the phone while driving. Why anyone would want to read while driving CORRECTION Why anybody would want to read at all is just beside me. I mean, it’s boring, Jean-Claude Van Damme isn’t gonna kick anyone’s ass in a book, if he does, it will not be half as cool as if it were being projected onto a twelve foot plus screen onto your living room wall (well, at least for me he is… ), and movies are so much more funnerer. I guess technically you could magically convert whatever it is to an audio format and put it on an iPod, CD, or cassette tape. (WTF is a cassette, did I just make that word up? Probably, I think I’ve already made up quite a few in the post. ) Anyway, people need to learn how to drive in general, I might lighten up on the manual trans if people actually had a brain behind the wheel, but I guess that would involve having a brain and then thinking of others, and we all know that isn’t possible. Which brings me to traffic jams: Idiots trying to jockey for one more position in line, causing the 3,000,000 people behind him to stop and then start doing the same thing in order to try and get one position ahead that they lost due to the first asshole. It only takes one asshole to fuck everything, ever.
The future will be awesome, I will build a manual transmission for my hovercraft, I will talk on the phone and surf the web (Fuck AT&T for those stupid commercials, honestly, does anyone really need to do that, and wait, inside your own house, who doesn’t have 3 laptops conveniently placed around their house for maximum laziness purposes. Who’s finna wanna go online on a tiny ass screen with a slow as fuck connection and a tiny bandwidth that is being mostly taken up by the phone call itself. IDK if that’s true, but it sounds good enough to me. The bandwidth part, maybe, who knows, I’m no phone connection scientists.) at the same time, I’m going to be a multi-platinum watch owner, and I’m going to construct a building entirely out of a single diamond. It’ll be for ants, of course. The good old days of today will be fuckin’ sweet in my memory bank in twenty years when I’m senile and have Alzheimer’s. I can’t wait.
S(dot)cott M(eezy)iller