Do you like to shit on walls? Yes, I just asked that question. Seriously. Do you like to take bitter, pungent, salty, amazingly prodigious dumps? After an obvious yes, answer the following question: Do you like to shit all over bathroom walls? That may not be something you think of everyday, so I’ll give you some time to think it over. Don’t just brush it off being all like, “Ew, why would I want to shit on a wall?” Come to think of it, I’m not too sure I’ve ever thought about it until I’ve asked this question. Upon further introspection, I feel as if that would be something I would like to accomplish before I die. I mean, how many people can honestly say they’ve gotten shit all over a bathroom wall? I only know of two instances in which this happened, one of which was a lot closer to home than the other. Wait, one of them was in my house, in my bathroom. Did I do that? I don’t think so, but I was quite intoxicated that fine evening. I can remember it like it was my 24th birthday. Weak, sorry, I wish I could be more creative but well, true stories involve no creativity, only truth. What’s that you ask? When was the first time i saw shit all over a bathroom wall? Well that would have been Dorney Park, not on my 24th birthday or in my bathroom. In the fine eating establishment that is housed inside the walls of Dorney Park, my brother and I needed to use their immaculate restroom facilities. So as we were making our way into the door, two little kids, they were Mexican or black, somehow my memory seems to not hold onto that part of the story, came out screaming, “Look in there man!” So, well, we were like, ok, we’re going in there anyway, and thought it was going to be a deuce in the urinal or something silly of the sort. What had these black/Mexican boys done? Well, shortly before the blaxican boys walked out of the restroom I remembered noticing a chode of a man, maybe 4’10” tall, probably 6’ around who was floating around in my short-term memory bank. It all made better sense after I walked into the bathroom to see the most amazing sight of my life. If you ever have the opportunity, please go to Dorney Park. Most, if not all of my childhood memories come from just one trip. Goat boy actually worked there on the super crazy super out of control chugga-chugga choo-choo of a train. I think it actually went 3 mph max, and I’m not really sure why we were riding on it, but the point is that goat boy at one time in his life worked at Dorney Park as a kiddie train operator. “If I fall on a man’s head, he be dead!” (Say that in ebonics and tell me it isn’t amazing.) We were in line for some shitty-ass water slide and that is what we heard. So two steps into the bathroom and nothing seems wrong. Something takes my attention to the corner of the b-room, directly above the handicapped stall, because well, I’m kind of surprised this guy fit through the doorway is how huge he was. Not in the jacked my shoulders are 5 feet wide way, obviously. So a dark patch in the corner of a white ceiling brings my attention to the corner. Holy shit! Well, maybe the opposite, or something pertaining to holiness. Possibly an exorcism brought on by dozens of Dorney Park 5 star burritos. When I say there was shit all over the place, it is the biggest understatement of the century. There was shit covering probably 90% of everything encompassed by the handicapped shitticle. That encompassment encompasses the ceiling as well, and yes, apparently it’s possibly. If my memory serves me correct, which it rarely does, but I’m going with it anyway, it was at least a 9 or 10 foot ceiling too. So dude was 5 feet tall, ass is 2.5 feet off the floor, obviously hopefully was not sitting on the toilet bowl at the time because that would be scary. So back to figuring it out, he shat with such a velocity that his squirty squirts made it 7.5 feet in the air, which means it could have been even higher if not given the constraints of the ceiling, obviously, just stating it for those of us that are not astrophysicists.
So back to the magical dumpnation. It was back in the day, a Saturday contrary to popular belief of it being a Wednesday, and I was having my 24th birthday party at my house. Everything is going great, a couple people puked, whatever, and I go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that it was a good time. In the morning, surprisingly I’m a little groggy, head downstairs first thing for some bagels, coffee, and a smoke. When I get downstairs I hear all this buzz about somebody taking a shit in my bathroom. I’m assuming something like Bigfoot himself dropped by after I passed out, left a baby Bigfoot of a shit clogging my toilet, whatever. You know, high five whoever it belonged too, hand them a plunger, and tell them to take care of their “business.” Pun intended, obviously, just clarifying for those of us that missed the quotation marks. Sorry. Well, so, I could not have been more wrong about my bathroom and the shit. Apparently there was puke on or around the toilet area, not really surprising. My bathroom has seen puke before, people have had sex in my bathroom, hell, a fight even took place in my bathroom once, a physical fight, a fistfight at that. Other than some random giraffe getting coldcocked by Casper the not-so-friendly-anymore ghost in my basement, my bathroom is the only part of my house where shit goes down. On top of the not so surprising pukenstein, there was apparently shit all over the walls, sink area, tub area, etc of my bathroom. Being that I was still feeling like shit from drinking so much, the last thing that I needed was to walk into fecal matter and vomit, otherwise I would probably add to the mixture with a little bit of both myself. Let me just say that again in case I did not elaborate enough. THERE WAS SHIT FROM ONE END OF MY BATHROOM TO THE OTHER. So I heard from my mother, God bless her soul for cleaning that shit up, and putting up with my friends and their shit. All these shit puns are making me hungry for Taco Bell. Random? I think not, thanks. What I wouldn’t do for a little fourth meal, a nice Cheesy Gordita Crunch. MMMMMMMMMM. Taco. So shortly after the shit was cleaned out of my bathroom, I noticed all these ladybugs in my bathroom. Like, WTF? And I never really thought about it or put it together until just now, well, before, when I was in the shower and a ladybug was flying all over the place around me. I then started to think about how not too long ago my belovedly cursed bathroom was covered in shit head to toe. And my mind began to wander to rainbows and pots of gold, unicorns, leprechauns, and other magical beings and things of the sort when it hit me like a freight train. Whoever took that shit on the wall must have eaten a whole bunch of ladybug eggs before they diarrheaed nastiness all over everything. Either that or the ladybugs were there before the shitcident and they magically shat the walls up little by little until the teenciest pooper made what seemed like nothing turn into a heaping pile of dumple. In retrospect, I really do wish that I got to see the shit covering the walls. Something about poop and being a dude, I’m not really sure the connection. Did I rent a monkey for my party and it flung pooey patooey on the wall?! I’m hoping that’s the case. Because those ladybugs are still there and I don’t need another mountain of ladybug dung chilling on my walls, I’m not going to rent a monkey again, not that I ever remember doing that before, and if I ever have a party again, I am renting a porta-potty and that’s the only place people can go because I’m sick of my bathroom getting fucked up. Fuck anyone that’s ever fucked up my bathroom.
So looking back at it, I truly believe from the depths of my heart that I would really like to shit on a wall. Not just like lean up against a wall, let a dangle slide down leave a little chocolate syrup streak running down the wall and a nice puddle of muddle at the bottom. I’m talking full on spackle the wall brown with chunky monkey Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. That would be a great story to tell to my grandkids when they're saying how my wearing adult diapers is gross. You think THAT'S gross!? Hopefully there will be some boys in that generation, and hopefully they won't be gay homosexuals and think that poop tastes good and shouldn’t be wasted as such. Ew. I can’t think of anything else at this moment that would be able to top that story. I caught a whale with a beer bottle. Oh yea, well I spackled an entire wall with ass kabobs, colon cannonballs, and creamy butt nuggets. Automatic Victory. End Game. Nice try, loser-face. Maybe it could be in the winter, I’ll leave the window open and create a shitsicle on the wall. A frozen wonderland of ass boogers, and hopefully the smell won’t happen because of the cold. Does cold actually trap things in? I know that heat makes smells amplified. Something about air moving, and cooking whatever is making that terrible stank. Even though it won't bear the same accomplishment of, say, being the first man on the moon, because well, to my knowledge, I'd be the third man on this moon. But I think I will just need to spice it up a little, make sure to eat corn for like a week straight and then see how it goes. Golden nugget will have a new entry as per Merriam-Webster, all because of my "talent." Maybe it could even become popular enough to be a Winter Sport. "Ladybug Breeding." Not only will it be the biggest deuce that wins, but the most ladybugs spawned from dropping the kids off at the super bowl. Except it won't be at the super bowl, but rather around, and preferably not touching. And well, sponsorshit, er uh, sponsorship would be easy, shit. Toilet paper, adult diapers, cleaning products (i can just see it now, "Do you have shit all over your bathroom walls? Then you need Poo-Be-Gone! Great for those chocolate stained bathroom walls!"), people with fecal fetishes (coprophiliacs?), I mean, how many people watched 2 girls 1 cup? It might ruin it, but maybe the contestants should be really hot, naked chics. Battleshits deluxe edition.
What have we learned from today's lesson, kiddies?
#1 I'm sick in the head (prob shoulda known that already.)
#2 Ladybugs are born after people shit on walls.
#3 If it involves a hot girl, even somewhat attractive at all, and nudity, people will watch it.
#4 I plan to live off corporate sponsorships from the toilet paper industry.
#5 Invest in monkeys to fling the poo, to reach out to a much larger fan base. (do monkeys fling poo that is not their own? eh, doesn't matter... they will or they will not get any bananas. Take that monkey!)
#6 Enough talk about poop.
Am I the only one that wants to shit on a wall and completely paint it brown? lol... ?
S(dot)cott M(eezy)iller