“Who would have though that cigarettes were good for anything but cancer? Turns out some of the same stuff
in tobacco products repels cats and dogs, takes the hair off your back and can fly you to the moon!”
I don’t know about you, but I’m sold! This is what The Truth is trying to say about cigarettes, in an attempt to dissuade (remonstrate/deprecate) people from smoking. Honestly, claiming that a drug can fly you to the moon, get rid of unwanted body hair, and stop annoying domesticated animals from bothering you sounds like something that I really want.
The Truth is an anti-smoking company funded by the US Tobacco companies, using many forms of media to get its message across. Its message, a very simple one, but it is very highly skewed. “Don’t smoke!” Maybe they should just come out and say this, instead of their scare tactics which, do they really actually work? “Cigarette smoke contains rat poison!” Sounds kind of serious. Rat poison is also a prescription medicine; it’s called Coumadin. Coumadin is an anti-coagulant and is used to prevent heart attacks, strokes, and blood clots in arteries in veins. Call me crazy, but aren’t these things that we are told cigarette smoking causes? Sorry, I had to, they are for completely different reasons, obviously, but, well, you tell me. If I were to prescribe something for you for symptoms X, Y, and Z, and you ended up with symptoms X, Y, and Z, don’t you think that would be a little strange.
I feel as if the cigarette companies are on to something and are laughing all the way to the bank. Negative advertisements are still advertisements for a product. Just because there is a big fat “Don’t” in the beginning of the message, “Smoke” is still in the statement. Tobacco companies aren’t allowed to advertise to children directly, but thanks to “The Truth”, they now have the availability to do so. In the one commercial, the “ad” talks about fruit-flavored cigarettes or some such nonsense. Well, being that Big Tobacco can’t tell this to kids, why not have somebody else do it for them? And how the fuck are kids going to find out about these products, because I smoke cigarettes, and I’m not really sure that these magical goodies actually exists. Although, I do prefer my cigarettes to taste like straight up NASCAR, redneck, inbred, white-trash deliciosity. And the fact it can no longer be called the Winston Cup, come on, really, like people bought Winstons because that was the name of the NASCAR championship. That’s like saying that people buy any of the products that college bowl games are named after, just because their team played in that bowl. How many people have dropped their wireless service provider and jumped ship to Sprint, being that it is now the Sprint Cup? It is advertising, I guess, but as a little kid, I never put two and two together. Winston sounded redneck enough to me to allow it without question. But hey, being that I smoke Winstons, and well, nobody else on this fine planet we call “Earth” does, maybe their subliminality worked on one person. Damn them! We all know people that watch NASCAR smoke Marlboros, because when you are that many generations into your family’s gene pool, well, colors apparently don’t work too well, and saying that extra syllable, “Reds”, after saying such a difficult word as Marlboro, well, you deserve them just for saying that right. I used to smoke reds, and well, with all Mar-ul-burrows, Mar-burrows, however you would like to pronounce it, they leave a shit-ass taste in your mouth and throat after having like 5 or 6 packs. Granted, they are cigarettes, but still, I think it’s something in the paper, or quite possibly the paper itself that sucks giant donkey dee-hack.
Instead of wasting all this money on pointless advertising, why not do something useful with it. Advertising on television is quite expensive, especially when I don’t think I’ve gone a day without seeing a Truth commercial. What does all of this money actually mean to the tobacco companies? Having to pay more money out just makes the consumer have to pay more for the product, which they more than willingly do being that it is a highly addictive drug.
The most recent raise in cigarette prices, a federal tax increase from $0.39 per pack to $1.01, is starting to show a huge increase in people using state supported “quitlines” across the country. This money “will be used” to finance a health care insurance for children. Great, why not take that money and save it for when all us smokers are all fucked up and decrepit, like a savings account you never knew you had. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for this bill Doctor. Well, you’re in luck, because out of the 5,000,000 packs of cigarettes (is that a lot? Pack a day, 365 a year, add one, carry the two, 13,698.63 years, yea, not possible, lets try that again…) Well, you’re in luck, because out of the 15,000 packs of cigarettes you’ve smoked in your life (pack a day for 40 years, give or take a couple somethings), you’ve saved $9,300 dollars for your new testicles. Yes, that’s right, smoking cigarettes causes testicular cancer, even in women, especially in Jamie Lee Curtis and that runner that is a he-she, a hermaphrodite if you will. What’s that you say, it causes lung cancer?! Well, that’s news to me, because science has already proven that you get lung cancer from being a whiny-little-homosexual-faggot-ass bitch. Don’t believe me? Well, I read it on Wikipedia, so take that all you naysayers out there, it MUST be true, and, well, as soon as I post this, it will be on the Interwebs, and anything on the Interwebs is ALWAYS true, just like movies (including pornos) and the walls of public bathrooms. Fuck, use it in a paper, and cite my page, then have your teacher feel bad for you that you either A. know me or B. read my blog for entertainment, and then you’ll for suretainly get an A+!
Anyway, don’t believe the hype that smoking is bad for you. In the next two years, there is going to be a study that shows, using science, that smoking, is good for you, probably to the effect of one cigarette a day, but well, if 1 is good, 20 must be super good! Remember kiddies, moderation is for pussies. Unless you’re a whiny-little-homosexual-faggot-ass bitch, you have nothing to worry about, other than losing your balls, and, at age 60 or so, who needs ‘em anyways? I mean, I am quite attached to them at the moment (cheap pun, I know) but hey, at 60, if I am still breathing, I doubt that trying to sleep with 14 year old girls will be on the top of my list anymore. And hey, without testicles means without the problems of lots of STDs, and being that the above 55 age group is now the most predominant age to contract STDs, well, you won’t have to worry about that either. Ew! Horny old wrinkly sex.
PS: I apologize that there are not actually any more “Truth” ads, at least that I’ve seen, so this may not be completely up to date, but, well, I started this post a long time ago, and completely forgot about it, but I couldn’t let such literary genius go to waste, could I? That would be almost as bad as letting an already cold can of Natural Light get warm. PEACE!
S(dot)cott M(eezy)iller